living as dead..

i am reading a book entitled 'the lovely bones' by alice sebold it will soon be a movie in theaters and i am very interested in the story that's why im reading it now. although i am not finished reading it yet, im very amazed on how the story flows. it reminds me of the movie 'what dreams may come' starring robbie williams. what will you be doing when you die? where will you stay? is there a possibility that you can still be able to connect yourself to the living? on earth?
that's the topic concerned in 'the lovely bones' *read it so you'll be able to understand why i am asking these questions, i wont re-tell the book here or summarize it because i will be a spoiler to the movie and book.
i am beginning to ask myself, is there really such thing that we call 'our heaven'? not heaven as where there are angels, clouds, light, paradise and God as many of us interpreted through history. but before reaching God's heaven, think of some place where the souls go if they still have unfinished business on earth. i believe this is not we what call the 'purgatory' because that place is for those the unbaptized..i think. but like stated in the book, souls can have connection to the living to finished their 'unfinished business' as most of us believed to have. and if we were able to complete these businesses and ready to let go of the things here on earth, maybe that's the time when we can be with our creator, God. and angels and clouds and paradise too.. hehe
when i was young, i became very sensitive to this kind of conversation, maybe because i lost my father back when i was five, too young? i know. death stories chills me to death and left me of a wide imagination on how our bodies will be degraded six-feet under, as a child and just starting my interest in life and in living i don't want to be eaten by worms and ans and other stuff under ground. for me, dying isn't just sleeping and not waking up 'as many adults tell their children' but leaving your earthly body and live as a soul, living as dead or better 'existing after life' that's weird. because not dying is the end of everything. it is just the start of another world, a new world away from earth.
now, that i was grown up, death stories still scares me but not as before when i will stare far away and cry, trying to regret living even though i am still living.. haha, sounds ironic. let's just live happily as others do, living doing right things to others while we are still on earth.

unoticeable unless one of them..

i just read my daily astrological guide, i usually do it every end of the day just to compare if it really happened; and 80% of it was true. i realized that i cannot be defined solely, i need others to define me. i somehow like being that, being sociable, but i want to be known as 'me'. only me.
but i wont stick to that idea, ill make myself known but i don't know how, maybe knowing through others helps me to realize my worth as a part of a group rather than staying alone.
i experienced troubles whether to belong or not to, at those times i think i can stand alone, but a part of myself tells me that i still need to talk, i need to expose my thoughts to others beside myself. :]