past present future.... tension?

 PAST

..last week,me and my other set of friends planned to get together for richard's birthday..

we stayed in a fast food chain and there we bought him a cake and eat all together

..as we plan for that date, i am very excited because i've been missing my friends,

we haven't seen each other for quite a long time.. or if even we did, we are not complete..

..yesterday we gathered again, shared stories, ate, took photos.. we weren't complete yet

everything went fine.

PRESENT

..earlier today, while i keep myself busy studying, answering exams and sometimes reading my

special book (i'll blog about it when i finished read it) i thought of the question.. "why did i attend those gatherings together with my friends? when after that im feeling this way.."

i was upset.. if i could turn back time ill stop myself..

it sounds selfish if my friends were to read this, they can't understand.. 

all they've got to say is "why? aren't you happy the time we've been along?

OF COURSE.. i am happy.. but why am i feeling this way now..

i wanted to change on how i see things.. because as i remember a line in my special book..

proverbs 19:11- a man's wisdom gives him patience.

i can be considered as a junk.. a lack patience, i get angry easily, im impulsive..im worst..

FUTURE

it's not hard for me to forgive.. but not to forget.. my weakness is guilty conscience,

i feel guilty of the things ive done and undone..

whenever i remember those significant memories, i wanted to get myself out of my body

and go somewhere else..

BUT...i believe i can change.. i like to think that

"the simple thought of something good is already a good thing"

and

"change starts with introspection"

the regrets i felt earlier ..? im done with it and i don't like to REGRET that I REGRETTED..

sounds ironic.. hehe but here's how im starting..

"i should first start to change the way i see things, then emotion will follow"

it was from my special book agaain.

...now, whenever i feel impulsive, im trying to see the goodness of that thing within.. im forcing

myself to see the positive side of things.. and saying this to my self:

"GOD, TAKE THIS FEELING IF IT'S NOT FROM YOU"

i believe in the power of prayer, and how God speaks to me with it..

to those who were to read this,,

please pray with me as i walk through

the phase of changing myself..

headaches..

literally.. i experienced pain on my head.. with few days apart..

first, i had this additional pierce at my left ear, it did not bleed but it was somewhat painful.. but not the most so far..
my friend camille, introduced me to her midwife friend hana.. who did the piercing thing to me..;p love it..

 

this was actually my ear.. hehe

second, is that i had a skin treatment yesterday.. it was soooo painful.. i was teary eyed after the procedure, it was my first time to under go cleaning in a dermatologist's clinic.. i dont want to undergo that thing again.. but the doctor said i need to go back after two weeks.. T_T

these was actually my tears..

kidding !

pain now happy later ;p

yes or no..

middle of a crowd almost midnight,

feeling every body's urge to move..

finding their own ways.

Tired and weary as their digits entangles.

Only they, knew about it.

Hesitant to feel, to let go, to interpret.

An unexplainable forced innocence.

And after some time,

it turns into grasp to never let go until it was calm.

This was just nothing to the other..

but to me it was all..

just tired to make a 55 fiction..:] hope it passes to the standards..
anyways it's just a try.. hope you enjoyed it..

mr.right?..

Dating 101: Is He Mr. Right?


Dating Trait #1: He listens to you

The best way to know if Mr. Next is interested in (and worthyof) being a candidate for Mr. Right? He listens to you. You'll know he's listening when he shows genuine concern, consistently remembers things you've told him (your birthday, favorite food, best friend's name, etc.), and offers emotional support in honest and thoughtful ways.

 

Dating Trait #2: He connects with you easily

We've all been in those relationships that take W-O-R-K (and suck the life force out of us in the process). When a relationship works on its own, it feels effortless, easy, and fluid. You don't have to force anything, forgive anyone, or turn a blind eye to red flags or gut-twisters. Instead, you communicate and collaborate with comfort, compatibility, and undeniable chemistry. If and when you experience this kind of interaction, you are on to something really special.

 

Dating Trait #3: He wants the real you

So often, women feel the need to sacrifice some part of themselves to make a relationship work. In the right relationship, there's no need. You don't have to hide, tone down, or apologize for any aspect of you or your fabulous life. With the right partner, you're not only able to be yourself, but you're better able to be the best version of your most authentic self -- no compromises needed.

A relationship without trust is doomed from the start. 

 

 

Dating Trait #4: He's trustworthy

A relationship without trust is doomed from the start. But a relationship with abundant trust? A fabulous foundation for real and lasting love! Built over time, trust is based on the simple belief system that your partner has your best interests at heart and will never intentionally hurt you (and vice versa). If and when you discover that Mr. Next is 100 percent trustworthy, you'll have no trouble giving your heart to him. In return, he'll most likely give you his heart and pave the way for a lasting, loving relationship to unfold.

 

Dating Trait #5: He enriches your life

In the wrong relationship, your partner tears you to emotional shreds, brings you down, and in general drains your energy. In the right relationship, he enriches your life, inspires you to be your best self, and brings a sense of peace and possibility to you. You'll know Mr. Next is enriching your life if and when he encourages and supports you professionally, personally, and spiritually. And when he does, he may just be Mr. Right!

Does your Mr. Next possess all five qualities? If so, congratulations! You have done your homework, chosen wisely, and are now well positioned for relationship success.

If not, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back into the dating pool with a clearer understanding of who you want to date. Remember, finding your life partner isn't always easy, but by being clear, honoring yourself, and acting accordingly, you'll cut down on wasted time with Mr. Wrong and Mr. Next, and ultimately make room for Mr. Right. 

 

**i think he is.. but through this i realized he's not.. :(

maybe im just a friend to him... ><

mixed up..

it'll be graduation day next week..
March 22 - Clinical Graduation (for student nurses only)
March 27 - Academic Graduation (for all graduating students)

i know all of us, hygeia batch2010. feels the same way, mixed emotions of happiness and sadness for this school days will be over within a couple of weeks. *sigh.. it's hard to leave people you've been seeing for almost four years, learning and having fun whatever we are doing..
i believe to the saying 'save the best for the last'. coz i have been experiencing my best days this past week months, .. i think im not ready to let go of being a student yet, i want to spend time learning more.. and enjoying everytime we have to attend classes and duties.. but it's over.. now is the time to stand on my own feet.
it's so emotional for every graduate to remember the things they have been through for the past 4 years.. as every individual has to be and should be,, every thing has to end.. at the graduation day..
hopefully we wont forget each other soon.. somehow, we've touched each other's hearts and stick to each other's minds..

God bless to hygeia batch 2010 and to all the graduates..

do i look like a guy?

i dont like it when a person told me that i look like a guy.. yes, i got my father's looks but still in a girly way.. obviously because im a girl..

sometimes i get insecure with myself because i dont have that beautiful feminine features, but still satisfied with what i look.. just accepting that other women are blessed to have pretty faces and girly looks.. and some are not..

sometimes, i see myself as typical, normal, unnoticed and one of the crowd.. but when someone recognizes me and lift my personality to others.. that's when i start to feel ..'me'.. the feeling of getting yourself known..

that's the reason why i dont wear make up.. or anything.. but now being influenced with my pretty friends.. im starting to fix myself and be pretty recognizable.. hopefully..

and now here i go again, insecurity invades my personalty.. psychologically and socially..

i want to be like every other ladies who look pretty.. ><

im not pleasing anyone to like me.....and that person?.... i think just teased me because i think im the least pretty girl he/she know.. so mean! hate it..

:(

want to see my pictures? click g-r-a-n-e
.. it's my facebook account..

a feeling that was about to grow is already dying..

kept untold but by fate unfolded,
behind a life of broken emotions.
a bloomed rose remain thorn-ed,
hurting beauty outcomes.


collision clears the friction,
rarely, mid-summer rain.
an arrow, points distinct perceptions,
yet a cross, to all directions.


daybreak with foggy setting,
but what is important is the coldness within.
for light can pass through,
but not the shadow of you.


thalamic as it may seem,
guilt and pretentious.
the feeling which soon to grow
was about to wither in spring

speak out..

earlier this day we (again) tried to agreed upon some issues related to our to-be-conducted seminar on the 1st week of march..
but as usual.. things happen again, voices raised.. and im not comfortable with it, if others find it funny or just ignores it.. i can help but notice it..
you know, i have feelings to.. and there are some significant feelings that are need to share about.. like the one i am feeling right now.. i am not against anyone.. i know that every person has the right to speak about his/her ideas and perceptions.. but it could be better if it's in a nice way.. a professional way rather..
some people, are used to talk differently.. some chose not to talk at all and some are trying to be heard but not given a chance to..
i cannot hate our class.. it's my family in school.. we may have differences but still we need to work on this together to be successful.. i just hope for my classmates to listen to anyone's idea and give him/her a chance to talk.. and of course to bring her self esteem up and not to reject it.. you know.. being considerate on  different matters can lead to a unified goal.. there is no and bad suggestion.. what's good is they did try to think and somehow contribute..

just want to share that i felt over-powered.. there are two ways which i can respond to this kind of situations..1) i felt melted with the words i heard and loss my self and what i stand for.. and 2.) it the voices remained that powerful and pissed me off.. i can do the things which have done to me.. and lose control over my temper and self..which is far more to happen.. i usually felt dying-guilty after i did that.. coz im not naturally that..

what happened is the first one.. i was depressed and weakened..
but what i felt is not important.. what i can do is much better..
i pray and hope that we learn how to listen.. to speak out is good and it is where leaders are formed through voices being heard.. but not let us remember that not all people can be as vocal as the others.. some tends to find the perfect time to shine and be recognized..

learned something?

life's little depressions..

here's some thoughts that depressed me on the dot...

1. the bicycle guy( whom i saw for the third time) while walking home, it depressed me that he's always biking.. i want to bike too.. i wonder why he's not at school..?

2. my not-so big school expenses.. the more i budget my allowance, the more things i want to spend of..

3. these past week.. i noticed myself bathing for almost 30 minutes.. i wonder how this crazy thing happen??

4. our topic in course audit subject today was about oncologic nursing (study of cancer).. it makes me sad..

5. finding it hard to feel relaxed when i think of the things i should know!

6. imagining the future..

7. thought of people's un-matched thoughts.. whom will i choose to believe in..

8. thinking of love..

too late..

sad news was brought me by a friend.. just a while ago..

that one of our highschool batchmates, adrian maalzo passed away last january 17, 2010..
due to some kind of cancer in the throat.. or worse.. complications from this deadly disease..

now is january 25 and yesterday was the last day of the wake..

i felt that it's too late for me too felt sorry.. becasue it was long days back since he has consciousness to hear, fee, and see all those who care for him..

i remember that we used to be clasmates back when we are on the fourth grade.. i met him because our surnames were supposed to be near seated.. marcos starts with an 'm' too.. he's a noisy guy.. he talks and jokes and play with others..

sometime in college i saw him here at my school and we said greetings to each other.. stillr emembering that we used to be classmates..

anyhow.. it's goodbye.. too late for me to say but still not to express in this blog..
i know he enjoyed his worthful life.. ;] may 14, 1989-january 17, 2010

firefly in ricefield..

last night.. me and anamay slept over angel's house..
because she's alone..

the air was cool, breezy and relaxing..

their house was built in the middle of a rice field.. :]
upon our way toward the house we saw a fire fly, flying along the road.. i caught it but eventually set it free..

for there is this that i heard.. 'that fire flies are symbols of a healthy environment'

now a days, i haven't seen fire flies, last time was when i was still 10 or 11 years old.. the reason for this is the polluted environment..

fireflies are fascinating to watch and wonderful to explore..
how they get it's tail lighted and thier tiny bodies serves htat bright light into the dark..

sad to know that these little creatures are God's gift that most if us are not aware of.. not concerned of..

some snap shots at the rice field..

 

 

 

 

im down..

i got a failing score in our subject 'course audit' late this afternoon.. i was so disappointed with myself because i admit that i did not study hard but i did study.. somehow..

usually, i got a passing score even though i do not study much.. but this time i felt so down.. it's like i haven't understand our topic.. i think i did understand.. really! i even compare choices to select the best answer. and hoping to get it right but still... failed..

i hate myself for failing.. i was not suppose to fail.. my friend, april told me that maybe i was just confused with the terms and values.. but i dont feel confused.. oh  my goodness! i think im in a denial stage..

now, after blogging i'll study that lesson again.. even though we finished the discussion about it..

love yet?..

i was not expecting this thing to be brought up by my a4 group mates..
may, ana and april are also asking me about it..

'have you been in love'??

unfortunately.. NOT YET..

i dont know.. maybe that's my fate..to find it when i never really expect to find it.. for now.. falling in love is not my priority.. but it's not bad if i experience it now.. sometimes, things like that serves as challenges, changes that most of us have been experiencing now..

**
Still Single? Top 5 Reasons Why You're Alone..

1. You were in a long-term relationship

2. You're shy and/or not very outgoing

3. You live in a small town or village

4. You've been single a long time and are set in your ways

5. You're just too picky

read it completely here:
http://hubpages.com/hub/Still-Single-Top-5-Reasons-Why-Youre-Alone

still not for vacation..

 to simply....have fun..

chill and relax..

to sleep soundly..

i never thought school days would extend.. not literally because yesterday was our last day in school for christmas break.. but for me, school works haunts me.. some review to do for next year's exams, some thesis to edit, and organizing my things in school (my messy closet was due to be cleaned before the year ends).

aside from school, my personal life needs fixing too..

and our home to.. needs a thorough cleaning.. phew.. thinking about it makes me tired..

i hope i can enjoy somehow this two-week break.. foods are the only thing i enjoy..hehe.

feeling sick..

arrived from school late this late afternoon, i feel well and ready to study after a short nap. but then i woke up and thought of posting something in my blog. i feel sick (my skin is warm to touch and i feel the need to rest) but physically not, maybe it is because im thinking that ill be sick.. it is like you'll get sick before this day ends and it delays my studying time. i still have exams for tomorrow, luckily it is only one subject.
earlier this afternoon, i viewed some blogs and i was fascinated that they incorporate images with in it. i compared them to mine.. and i realized that i should start posting some images also. hehe

like this one..

poor thing, i feel pathetic... ill make it better next time..haha

still dissapointed..

our group was assigned to attend duty in a provincial hospital, i was familiar with the place and the hospital setting as well. but still we had some orientation to do to refresh our memory on the procedures done as procedures varies on different hospitals.
i know how people there work and perform their procedures, i know their attitudes toward patients but today was the worst. it's like i was mentally tormented by the voice of that woman, even though i am not physically involved with her business, i was affected. i am not numb, not to feel anything while others around me was disturbed. in short she was unexplainable rude, inconsiderate, hot-headed and shouting all the time since our patient arrived.
i do not like her, the way she treat us, and specially our patient.
students came to face different situations as preparation for our chosen career, and different kinds of people to different area exposures. every students know that it is hard to please people, specially if you are not so confident with your actions and careful not to make any mistakes, because as students we are very concern about rejection and failure.
students should be taught with patience and not with rudeness, strict yet considerate and reminders are all we need to be efficient. as fourth year student, we still need some simple reminders and guidance because we still are students.

unoticeable unless one of them..

i just read my daily astrological guide, i usually do it every end of the day just to compare if it really happened; and 80% of it was true. i realized that i cannot be defined solely, i need others to define me. i somehow like being that, being sociable, but i want to be known as 'me'. only me.
but i wont stick to that idea, ill make myself known but i don't know how, maybe knowing through others helps me to realize my worth as a part of a group rather than staying alone.
i experienced troubles whether to belong or not to, at those times i think i can stand alone, but a part of myself tells me that i still need to talk, i need to expose my thoughts to others beside myself. :]